Excedrin Migraine, How I Love Thee....

I was cheating on my husband. I just couldn't help it, it made me feel good all over, gave me energy to make it through my 20 hour days, was always there for me and I didn't have to cook it dinner or wash its boxers. No, I'm not talking about Armando, the delicious HOA maintenance man (I wish!), I'm talking about Excedrin Migraine.

Excedrin and I go way back. As long as I can remember, I've had chronic headaches. Small, annoying headaches, big brain crushing headaches, huge crippling migraines, I get them all. I distinctly remember my first migraine. I was 13-ish, and my fam had taken a road trip down to Six Flags in Valencia, CA. I made the mistake of going on the Batman roller coaster. Bad, bad idea. I spent the rest of the day in my tent back at the campground puking, seeing spots, and cursing my dad for thinking camping was going to be way more fun than a nice hotel with a cozy bed. I've been to many doctors, had many tests, had my brain looked at as much as it possibly can be without cutting the damn thing open, and have yet to receive a real answer as to why I wake up every morning with my head pounding. So, I just deal with it. I mean, what else are you supposed to do? Go on disability and watch Judge Judy all day? Well, actually, that's not a half bad idea. But wouldn't really help with keeping my ass from creating its own atmosphere, like I talked about yesterday. Back to dealing with it.

When I was 19, I got a new big kid job at the local hospital. Good money, working toward my career, tuition reimbursement-it was the shit, basically. Only drawback? While I was training, I had to be there by 7 am. Before 8 am is a Headache Festival of Woodstockian proportions in my brain. The first day, two lattes in, and I was still useless. Could. Not. Compute. I went to the pharmacy, dropped my head on the cold, delicious, metal counter and mumbled something along the lines of, "Head. Hurts. Cut it off, now please." The pharmacist must have had some experience with health care workers and the severity of headaches that comes along with caring for the general public, because she just smiled at me, set down a bottle of Excedrin Migraine, and said, "This one's on the house. Take two of these, call me in the morning, and tell me how much you love me." I should have maybe picked up on the hint of crack dealer she had going on in her voice, but I was too miserable to be concerned. I threw back two of those babies and hoped for the best. And an hour later....it was like a whole new world. The sun was shining brighter, the birds were chirping louder, my head did not hurt at all and I had enough energy to take care of all of my duties plus those of two others. Amazing. No wonder that pharmacist had comped me that bottle...she knew I'd be coming back for more! Pusher! The three weeks I was on day shift were amazing...took two of my friends when I woke up in the morning, and by the time I got out of the shower, headache was gone and I was ready to rock and roll. When I switched to my normal swing shift, however, the early morning headaches weren't so much of an issue, so the Excedrin Migraine went into my medicine cabinet with the thousands of other headache remedies I had been prescribed over the years.

Cut to five years later. I am the mother of a 20 month old and a 1 month old. Sounds like a party, right? My headaches are at a new level of misery. Apparently, almost dying from preeclampsia and having blood pressure above 180/100 for 3 months is not good for chronic headaches. In fact, I think it is the equivalent of having an open wound and pouring salt in, then mixing with sandpaper. I was in pain constantly, and never sleeping was not helping my situation. I had a c-section, so the pain meds prescribed for that helped for awhile, but my prescription ran out and the hubs wasn't so hip on my idea of bribing doctors with sexual favors for more, so I had to come up with a new solution. Then it hit me...my old friend Excedrin Migraine! Yes, it was a dysfunctional relationship, but when Excedrin was good, it was so, so good.

From the minute I took the first two, I was hooked back in. When they start dissolving in your stomach, they cause a little burn. At the beginning, I welcomed the burn, because I knew relief and artificial energy was on its way. They should really rename them "Housewife's Helpers," because they are totally like crack in a bottle. Like the amphetamines docs used to hand out in the 1950's. They wind you up, they take away all your pain, amazing. Just like any other drug, however, eventually they don't start working as well. So, instead of two, you take three. Instead of taking them once in the morning, you add an early evening dose. And eventually, a lunchtime dose as well. By this time last year, I was taking 7-10 a day. It was a critical mass of dependency. Most of the addiction was in my head, but my body was also totally hooked. If I missed a "dose" I would be in sheer terror until I got some in. Having a history of addiction, I knew what was going on, but I chose to ignore it. After all, they were legal! It's not like I had to call up my dealer to get some more, all I had to do was run to Target. Or even the convenience store on the corner in a pinch.

Finally, we reached the point where I would bruise from anything (Excedrin Migraine contains aspirin, a blood thinner). John rubbed my lower back for me one evening, and the next morning I woke up black and blue from my waist down my entire rear end. My stomach was worse, though-the aspirin had eaten away my stomach lining and caused an ulcer. An ulcer! Something had to give. After "cutting down" multiple times, which would work momentarily but always lead me back to the levels I was at, I finally quit. Cold turkey. It felt like I had a week long hangover. I was nauseous, I had more than a headache...it was total withdrawal. I have kicked worse habits than Excedrin Migraine in the past though, and I'll be damned if some stupid over the counter pain reliever was going to be the end of me. I am proud to say I am now totally clean of the dreaded Excedrin, and totally faithful to my husband, no secret pill stashes, no clandestine trips to the drugstore. I do keep a bottle for actual migraines, but have thankfully found the will to leave it for just that. My stomach thanks me.